The New Dappled Things is Here!

The new Dappled Things is here!... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now!

How do I know all this? Well, I got an awesome message from Dappled Things. How did I know it was an awesome message, even before I read it? Because the title line read "An Awesome Message from Dappled Things"!

To wit:

Dear Tim,

 

The new issue of DT, the one featuring your painting, is now online! Thanks again for sharing your work with us. I thought maybe you might want to use the humorous message below to tell your readers about the new issue.

 

God bless,

 

Bernardo

 

------------------------------------

 

Hi, this message is all about ninjas Dappled Things,* THE NEW ISSUE OF DAPPLED THINGS. This message is awesome. My name is Bernardo and I can’t stop thinking about the new issue. This issue is cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

 

Facts:

 

1. Dappled Things is made by mammals. Rational mammals.

2. Dappled Things is awesome ALL the time.

3. The purpose of Dappled Things is to flip out and kill bad writing.

 

The new issue’s weapons and gear:

 

1. Fiction by best-selling science fiction writer John C. Wright, as well as an interview with him that you will LOVE—if you know what’s good for you. “Oh, what’s the big deal?” you foolishly ask. Fine, I’ll give you a sample. But if you don’t like it, there’s no hope for you, and you need to go away and read some Dan Brown. Here is a totally sweet passage:

I first noticed the angel across the platform when I went in to buy my ticket. Admittedly, the sight made me nervous. I nonchalantly tried to keep him in view and I even bought a newspaper so I could hide my face while staring, just like a spy in a bad sitcom.

2. Killer stories by Tony France, Fiorella de Maria, and Gerald C. Matics.

3. Ninja outfit Sweet new cover design.

4. Essays that will explode your brain with their awesomeness, like Michael L. Ortiz’s “Some Remarks on Autism and Catholicism” or the second part of Eileen Cunis’s “On the Vocation of the Christian Artist.” In his sweet essay, Mr. Ortiz, who has Asperger Syndrome, gives us a window into his mind:

The first thing that some people notice upon meeting me is that I do not make eye contact. This is not because I am shy or devious; eye contact simply overloads my senses and makes me unable to think. To me, eyes are like the sun, which blinds by its excess of light. Furthermore, faces refuse to resolve themselves into recognizable composites for me: they remain mere assortments of features. . . . Sometimes I fail to recognize acquaintances, and sometimes I mistake strangers for friends. I once recognized my wife’s nose from a distance in a crowded public place, well before I realized that my wife was attached to it.

If you don’t think that sounds like a TOTALLY COOL essay, then go away and sit at the loser’s table, ’cause you obviously don’t have a clue.

 

5. Poetry and art so absurdly strong that they’ll leave you weeping like a little girl. Yeah, that’s right. Run to Mommy.

 

The new issue is so crazy and awesome that it flips out ALL the time. I heard that there was a copy of the new issue that was eating at a diner. And when some dude split an infinitive, the copy killed the whole town. (Metaphorically.) My friend said that he saw a copy totally uppercut some kid just because he didn’t understand that beauty is the enjoyment that comes from the contemplation of being.

 

And that’s what I call Ultimate Literary Power!

 

If you don’t believe that the new issue of Dappled Things has Ultimate Literary Power, you better get a life right now or it will chop your head off! (Intellectually.) It’s an easy choice, if you ask me.

 

Also, the new issue (and every issue) is soooo sweet that you need to buy a subscription now for all of your friends. I can’t believe how good it is sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. This issue is totally awesome, and that’s a fact. It is fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to read all of it. I love Dappled Things with all of my intellect (including my aesthetic sense).

 

Q and A:

 

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about Dappled Things?

A: Dappled Things is the ultimate paradox. On the one hand, it doesn’t care for the fads and fallacies of contemporary culture, but on the other hand, it’s at the cutting edge.

 

Q: I heard that ninjas the editors of Dappled Things are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?

A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals who love good writing, the editors can be mean OR totally awesome.

 

Q: What do issues of Dappled Things do when they’re not killing fallacies or flipping out?

A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometimes they build cathedrals. (Ask Matthew Alderman if you don’t believe me.)

 

If you are ready for Ultimate Literary Power, then come to our website now. Don’t come if you liked Confessions of a Shopaholic. (SERIOUSLY.)

 

Sincerely in Christ,

 

Bernardo Aparicio García

President, Dappled Things

 

* Editor-in-Chief’s Note: The hardworking, fun-loving, and (figuratively) nunchaku-wielding staff of Dappled Things takes no responsibility for injuries incurred by a too literal reading of the comparison of utterly awesome literary writing’s effect on the mind to that of ninjas on the body. Any resemblance to actual ninjas, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Comments

[e.]

"3. The purpose of Dappled Things is to flip out and kill bad writing."

Too bad Dappled Things didn't do what it claimed here and simply commit suicide.

Talk about *bad writing*!

The only redeeming aspect of the publication I can garner simply (albeit, admittedly superficially) from this entry is the fact that it featured Tim's rather awesome art!

[John Kasaian]

Bravo!