Old World Swine

It's Not You, It's Me...

Dear Planned Barrenhood,

It's not that I don't appreciate the time we've spent together, but I've grown and matured and I am moving on with my life. It's not you, it's me... even though, yeah, to be honest, I was beginning to hear things about you that creeped me out a bit.

I have my sisters to care for (cancer) and I thought you would understand that I have to focus on them, now. Your constant demands for attention seem very selfish. We had some good times. Let's leave it at that.

Your angry voice mail messages and thereatening e-mails make me believe you never really cared about me as you claimed to. I see you have even enlisted your friends to bully and harrass me (even a politician should know to behave better). But it's over. I hope you will now find the will and the decency to let me go and wish me well.

Yours sincerely,

Susan G. Komen

 

P.S. I saw you parked outside my apartment last night, and if I see you again, I will call the police. Also, please stop sending me mix tapes.

 

UPDATE:

It looks like Susan G. Komen has caved under pressure and has - sadly - returned to an abusive relationship with Planned Barrenhood and its thuggish pro-abortion friends.

A shame, too. I was about to send a donation. No pink ribbons, now, for me.

 

Vermont Couple Keeping Child's Species a Secret

Paul and Melinda Hamling of Grumpton, Vermont have upset family, friends an neighbors by refusing to specify or confirm their child's species. Now about two (in human years) the youngster reportedly sometimes chooses to be taken in a stroller, and other times chooses a leash for daily walks around the neighborhood. He/she has been seen running after robins and other area birds, as well.

"We want Anton (not his real name... or gender) to have choices", said his/her Mom, "He/she loves to sleep with Petey, our terrier, sometimes, but s/he also spends a lot of time with out cats, Buster and Keaton. We also have a ferret s/he has responded to very positively, and s/he has been curious lately about the squirrels in our yard. We just want (Anton) to be free to make that choice for him/herself, because it will probably have a lot of impact on his/her life... how s/he sees him/herself, who or what s/he will marry or mate with, what kind of food or Purina chow s/he may prefer."

Family members and friends have been mostly outwardly tolerant of the practice, while making faces and swirling motions at the sides of their heads in private or while the parents' backs are turned.

Others have been more vocal in their questioning of the parents' judgment. "Are you, just... batsh*t crazy?"... that's what I said", an anonymous uncle shared. "I mean, seriously... what if the kid chose to be a rock? Would they leave him in the garden, or use him/her to prop up the leg of a picnic table? I did bring him/her a bag of dog treats for his/her birthday, like they asked, but only because I didn't want to raise a stink".

Neighbors' reactions have been mixed, "I'm not sure about letting my Gracie play with him/her. I mean, what if s/he's something like a pit-bull or a badger? That could be dangerous. No, I'm afraid we won't take that kind of risk unless they at least give us the phylum."

Anne Rice "Breaks Up" With Human Race

Anne Rice is calling it quits with the human species, after "giving it her best" for 69 years.

In a series of thirty-seven consecutive Tweets, Rice laid out her major disappointments with humanity. "I didn't realize going in - that is, as an infant - how much negativity and bickering and stupidity there would be. Also, there's the traffic and people cutting in line at the bank... my waiter at breakfast this morning was very inattentive and rolled his eyes when I pointed out that my biscotti was stale. He didn't think I saw, but I did. In the name of Humanity, I refuse to be lumped in with these disgusting humans. I'm quitting humanity as of today, right after my pedicure."

Rice was born a human, but in college began her first mental boycott  of the species, after a particularly disappointing blind date. She considered herself philosophically a Banana Slug for 38 years, but stopped short of actually declaring as an invertebrate.

Discussing her decision on the Intellectual Network, she was asked by Philosophy Today host Joy Behar if there was a species she might now consider her home. "I've heard from so many lovely creatures saying things like 'Hey, we toads don't show up late for appointments, come join us', or ' Lemurs understand where you're coming from'... but I think right now", and here she throws up her hands, "I just want to withdraw from the whole thing, from making a commitment to any species... or even genus. Truthfully, I find the whole animal kingdom kind of gross.".

Rice is working on a new book based on her experience, which should be in most homo sapiens bookstores in time for Christmas.

Bad Day? It Could Be Worse

33⅓ Party

Let's have a political party! A third party. We could call it the 33⅓ (thirty-three & a third) Party. It would exist only as an alternative to the other two American parties, the Elephants and the Donkeys. We would never debate politics or "issues", apart from the conviction that the other two parties suck and have sold us collectively down the river.

We could save a lot of money on our presidential primary by just picking five people at random from the phonebook. Then we could vote for the one with the best LP record collection, or maybe the one who could hold his/her breath the longest (a handy skill when visiting Congress), or some other trivial inanity.

If we won, I propose that our empty suit candidate could not be worse than  what we have suffered through in our last few chief executives.

Yay for us! Vote33⅓!!

Beer Summit Joke

President Obama met with his advisers before the Beer Summit last night - because, you know, they wanted to make sure everything went well and wanted him to be prepared. They suggested he go in with a joke, something everyone could laugh at and that would make everyone feel better about themselves...

... so he brought Joe Biden.

Craig Ferguson - The Deification of Youth

Who said comedy had to be dumb?

Hat tip to the guys at What's Wrong With The World?

Sorry about the formatting of the video. I don't know how to correct it, and, well... I'm just too lazy to find out. By the way, if you have time, check out the linked video "Craig Ferguson Speaks From The Heart"... guy's a class act.

Free Handy Tip...

Always read labels...

Not only do I now have fungi-proof eyeglasses, but last week I missed Mass because instead of taking my blood-pressure medicine, I accidentally took one of my wife's Ambien. I slept for six hours. Looks like it's time for me to get one of those pill dispensers they sell at the drugstore.

Next it'll be Velcro-tab running shoes, high-waisted Sans-a-Belt slacks and a pair of those giant wrap-around sunglasses.

Oy vey...

Country Wanted

Married Catholic Male seeks small, friendly country with good arable land and a government of modest proportions and ambitions. Respect and protection for all individual rights are a must, while reasonably low taxes are a definite plus.

I speak only English with fluency, but am willing to learn any language. I will happily consider becoming the subject of any moderately able and wise king or potentate.

Basic services should be available (good local beer is considered to be part of "basic services", while public water, electricity and sanitation are optional but highly desirable). I don't care if there is one television across the whole length and breadth of the land, but internet access would be good.

I am a well-off entrepreneur, 29, 6' 2" tall, with an athletic build. My wife is a lingerie model/human rights activist and my children are both geniuses.

"Meh" Added to Dictionary, but No One Cares.

Fox News posts this AP story on the addition of the word "meh" to the Collins English Dictionary (Harper/Collins);

The origins of "meh" are murky, but the term grew in popularity after being used in a 2001 episode of "The Simpsons" in which Homer suggests a day trip to his children Bart and Lisa.

"They both just reply 'meh' and keep watching TV," said Cormac McKeown, head of content at Collins Dictionaries.

The dictionary defines "meh" as an expression of indifference or boredom, or an adjective meaning mediocre or boring...

The dictionary's compilers said the word originated in North America, spread through the Internet and was now entering British spoken English.

It seems fitting that 21st century America should be the origin of a new term expressing boredom or indifference. Europeans may also find it appropriately monosyllabic. Americans must be chronically - maybe pathologically - bored to actually sit still for "reality" television. We're so indifferent in politics that a majority of us voted just for fill-in-the-blank "change" (Obama to America: "Don't you want to know where I stand on policy?" ... America: "Meh. Surprise us." ... Obama: "Okay.").

I personally prefer "Feh.", which expresses boredom with a dash of contempt.

I was driving with my son this weekend and the subject of boredom came up somehow, probably related to the fact that he's a teenager. This was between our bits of conversation, his I-pod and texting on his phone. My teenaged daughter also frequently suffers from boredom. The teenaged brain, with all the surging energies of youth, apparently has a low resistance to boredom. Their immune system must be especially susceptible to it. Perhaps the scientists can develop some kind of shot - like an innoculation? I was often bored at that age, too.

I'm not now. I don't remember the last time I was bored. I have the opposite problem... too many things competing for my attention at one time. It's the old Attention Deficit thing manifesting in some interesting ways as I plunge headlong into middle age. As I said to a friend on a recent canoe trip, I have more that I want to do right now than I could accomplish in ten lifetimes. That makes me impatient with bored people. I hold to Chesterton's axiom;

There is no such thing on earth as an uninteresting subject; the only thing that can exist is an uninterested person.

One of the surest innoculations against boredom, I think, is learning to read books. Not just learning to read, but getting in the habit of buying books and picking them up and reading them all the way through,  and thinking about them... then picking up another.

A robust faith in the providence of God, an awareness of his hand in nature and in life, though, is even better. God is a great storyteller, also fond of surprises, and even jokes. Practical jokes, sometimes.