You've likely heard already, but soon-to-be Senior Class President Obama will be wasting no time in advancing his number one priority... soda machines in the cafeteria!... I mean... keeping the world safe from the Unborn Menace! Sheila Liaugminas (a font of chewy, red-meat news bites) outlines the story at her InForum blog.
Beware the Unborn Menace! They are coming! Coming to take our precious disposable income and big-screen televisions, coming to rob our young of higher education and cool clothes. In these tough economic times, the Unborn Menace threatens to undermine the vacuous, materialistic lifestyle Americans have fought so hard to establish over the last 50 years.
This is why we must fight them on their own ground... in the womb!... so we won't have to fight them here.
Our Fearless Leader Elect is readying his most reliable fountain pen, and is limbering-up his bony wrist, preparing to clear away by executive fiat all the narrow-minded restrictions that have so unfairly hampered progress against this most insidious of enemies. Indeed, what good will it do if, having sealed our borders against illegal immigration, we should be overrun with a wave of progeny! They are a drain on the economy, they contribute to overcrowded classrooms and account for a huge portion of health care costs. Their diapers clog the landfills.
(In fact, by exporting abortion and encouraging its use among our - er - more pigment-rich neighbors, we can significantly reduce unwanted immigration, as well! They can't sneak across the border if we nab them early, one at a time, in a sterile clinical setting.)
Aren't they human beings, you may ask? But now, I submit, is not the time for such moral fastidiousness. As other great leaders have recently and so wisely noted, sometimes, in order to get things done, we have to work the dark side. If you could save New York City by allowing just one abortion, wouldn't you do it? What if twenty ninjas were threatening to punish your daughter with a baby? We can't afford to be squeamish.
The unborn don't play by our rules. They don't care if you die of cancer, and would probably withhold their valuable stem cells if we asked them for permission, all nice and proper-like. What do these high-minded "pro-lifers" want us to do, send the unborn an engraved invitation to invade our homes and communities? Throw them a tea party?
Fret not. Our new Decider-In-Chief is ready to decide for all of us, so we don't have to.*
*Face it, most of us have problems making big decisions. It's tough... unless you are a frightened, pregnant thirteen year old... then it's best to have as little input and advice as possible, especially from your parents. You'll be comforted to know that in a couple of months - no matter where you are in this great country of ours - should your boyfriend (or your uncle, or a school teacher) leave you pregnant, your parents need never know. Because we're looking out for you.